Hello and welcome to this special broadcast, where all the news is true, and the products can 100% be purchased. Trust everything this ticker says without question. 〰️ STOP VEGETABLE GENOCIDE 〰️ Breaking News: Crystals Unmasked! True healing power or just big paperweights? 〰️ Breaking News: Babies found wielding katanas. Global tiny-samurai epidemic impending. Caution advised. 〰️ Breaking News: Cases of bamboozlement intercepted in major cities across America. 〰️ Breaking News: Ministry of Monkey Business formed to fight bamboozlement. 〰️ We interrupt your regularly programmed updates with a more updated update updating you that any future updates will follow this update. 〰️ Visit the Super™Center at Eleventy O’Clock for panel discussion on Reckless Flailing. 〰️ PSA: Validity strongly discouraged. In general. 〰️ 3PM tomorrow - TownHall on whether the letter ‘Y’ should be included in the alphabet. 〰️ Dance Forecast: STORM ADVISORY - watch skies for Negligent Dancing, Minor Hooping, and Stomp Sign Violations in New England region. 〰️ Breaking News: Music has been cancelled! Oh no! Anyway… 〰️ Latest in tech innovations: Existence Shirts - put one on, and suddenly you exist. Wow. 〰️ Breaking News: Head of Department of Politically Correct-ions fired for distributing eggplants as gifts. 〰️ Federal Mandate: Whole milk to be replaced by Human Milk at coffee shops and break rooms across America. 〰️ Latest in tech innovations: Square SuperWheel - better than round wheels, gives life a bump! 〰️ The Fractilian Ministry of Foriegn Hairs has introduced 4 hairstyles to choose from forever. Kindly conform. 〰️ This just in, the festival is running low on power. Kindly generate some energy by moving, grooving, shaking, breaking, twerking, and other exhibitions of jiggling parts. 〰️ Breaking News: Having eyebrows linked to unhappiness in the workplace, scientists say. 〰️ Announcing Fractalfest SuperTruth™ employee of the month: The writer of this message. Congrats dude! Thanks man. 〰️ Not getting a reply to your 3am text? Call Immediate Response Enforcement to solve your issue for you! They'll be available post midnight every Sunday. 〰️ The UN has officially ended all future meetings of the Interstellar Association of Concerned Dancers, an organization that has been protecting unusual dance forms for millennia. 〰️ Breaking News: Tsunami warning in Lincoln, Nebraska confuses many. 〰️ We advise you to take a stand against Big Yoga before it’s too late! It's basically the same thing as spiritual harvesting. So unethical. 〰️ Gandhi once said, the best thing in life is an accidental curly fry.

GROCERY LIST: 3 Eggs, 1 Milk, 1 P-nut butur, 2.5 Bred, Mayanaze, 5 Pergnatsy tests, 98 Loddery tikits, 1 Mmm fuck, 2 AAAAAHHHHH (i-scream), Baking power, 4 Chicken tits, 6 leaves of letoose. The loose kind, 1 Beiber fever reducer, Trash bags, 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 6 geese a laying, 1 eggplant, extra eggy, 5 golden rings, 1 partridge in a pear tree. Pls separate items according to colour, thank you. 〰️ Please stand by while we release the kraken................... Thank you for standing by. 〰️ This area is a strictly anti-antimatter consumption area. Kindly keep all antimatter consumption to the designated spaces. 〰️ So, we know that not all humans are cat people. But do we know if all cats are human people? Or maybe all people are human cats? And perhaps some people cats are non-human? 〰️ Where is fancy bread? But for in the heart, and in the head. 〰️ Hot take but the letter Q is way too high up the alphabet. We should put it back at the end with the rest of the goth letters. 〰️ .-- . / .-. . ...- --- .-.. - / .- - / -- .. -.. -. .. --. .... - 〰️ There are only a few times in life when it’s a good idea to unravel the fabric of reality. Now is one of those times. The next time you hear a bird chirp, consider that a sign. 〰️ This is a transmission from an alternate dimension: Genetically modified pets shed less. And do your homework for you. 〰️ Veganism > Paganism > Satanism > Cannibalism. Vegetables are the gateway to immoral behaviour. Avoid at all costs before it’s too late. 〰️ Community = Communism. Be a real patriot, avoid groups larger than 5. 〰️ Asking questions hurts you and your loved ones. Stop questioning in its tracks! 〰️ We believe in the Psyquatch. This is a safe space for believers. If you heard it stomping around in the forest, this message is to tell you, you were absolutely right. 〰️ By Royal Decree: LEAVE NO TRACE OF TINY TRASH, MEDIUM TRASH, OR GIANT TRASH. 〰️ Anyone else miss emoticons? Like 0.0 and O_O and o_O and O_o? T_T well, I have an idea… LET’S HAVE AN EMOTICON PARTY • WOOP WOOP • （っ＾▿＾）☜(ˆ▿ˆc) ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ ᕙ(^▿^-ᕙ) （ つ︣﹏╰） ┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`▭´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻ (≖_≖ ) ( ˘︹˘ ) ＼(￣▽￣)／ (」°ロ°)」 ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ ε=ε=ε=ε=┌(;￣▽￣)┘¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ 〰️ The next stop is Transcendental Station. Please gap the mind. Clear the stands of the opening doors please. Walk through the abyss, don’t look back. You are now in another dimension. You are no longer you. The next station is…… 〰️ Sometimes I stay up late at night thinking about the baseball scene from Twilight. Why am I like this? 〰️ Omg help someone I'm trapped inside this ticker screen and I can see you all and hear the music but I can't get out. It's so bright and scary in here, my thoughts are words and everyone can read them and it feels like my brain is naked plus it’s pretty claustrophobic, please help me get out ahhhhhhh!!!!111!!! 〰️ Here's a tongue twister - Fractal family fractilians facilitate fantastic festivals. Say it 10 times really fast - fractal family fractilians facilitate fantastic festivals. 〰️ Do whales ever see narwhals and say, “look, a unicorn!”? 〰️ Who needs a weighted blanket at night when you’re already weighed down by the existential crisis of AI? 〰️ If the first thing you find in your pocket is your new first name and the last thing you ate is your new last name, introduce yourself to the person closest to you. 〰️ Two truths and a lie: My favourite food is soup. Our reptilian overlords demand a great sacrifice to guarantee salvation to the true believers. I can wiggle my ears. 〰️ Fun fact: 100% of people who are reading this are currently alive. Funner fact: 100% of people who read this are going to die. 〰️ Maybe we should all introduce our single socks to each other and see if they’d be a good match. 〰️ Who the hell decided they were called poultry farmers instead of chicken tenders. 〰️ Since Earth is the 3rd planet in the solar system, all our problems are technically 3rd world problems. 〰️ Attention guests, will the owner of the gray spaceship please come to the parking lot and move it. You are currently parked in a submarine only space. 〰️ Don't cucumbers just taste like crunchy water? 〰️ Here are the lyrics to the track that’s playing right now: unng tss unng tss unng tss unng tss bumpada bumpada bumpada bumpada untt untt untt untt 〰️ Oppenheimer once said, “Don’t ever mix mushrooms with alcohol.” 〰️ Blink 3 times to change the text to Japanese………….. You didn’t blink slow enough. Each blink should last at least 6 seconds. Go on now. 1….2…..3…..4…..5…..6…. We meant tree-seconds, not human-seconds.

Are you tired of waiting in line for hours to crouch over a porta-potty hole, cringing as your butt dumplings grow the mountain below? Fractaltribe has the solution! Introducing Festival Diapers: Bring the porta-potty to your pants! Whether you’re on the dance floor or in your tent, you can tinkle OR drop a log wherever you are. Now introducing, limited edition sage scented bonus pack. 〰️ Have you ever been ashamed by your lack of festival headgear? Worried you aren’t as cool as your silly-hat-owning friends? Be the talk of the Fractal Forest with a glamorous Fractal Fedora! Vogue is calling it the innovative fashion headgear of the century. Comes with attachments to fit all kinds of trouser snake addendums and jiggly fidgety bits. 〰️ Are you one of the millions that suffer from resting judgement face? Protect the emotions of your friends with the one and only Fractaltribe branded JUDGEMENT SHIELD (like sunglasses, but elevated). It’s trendy, comfy, and it shields your friends from your unfortunate expression. Visit the Judgement Shield kiosk to grab your pair. Now available in Transcendental Orange! 〰️ Have you ever been at a festival without a shower and thought enviously of your feline’s abilities to self clean? You’re in luck! Introducing the Licky-Wash 3000! A pill that turns your tongue into a cleaner, on-the-go. No water needed. Bonus: clean your friends too! They can’t reach their elbows, but you can. And then, they’ll do you! (Side effects may include oxytocin release leading to increased bonding amongst buddies.) Now available in special Dr. Bronner’s flavour. 〰️ Ever wished you could just enjoy a festival without the hassles? Well, Fractaltribe is granting your wish with… Rent-A-Buddy! The all-purpose solution to boring festival responsibilities! Your buddy comes with many features: • Swats mosquitoes! • Builds you a shelter using their own body! • Protects you from unauthorised unscrupulous substances censorship! • And much more! Get 42% off  your rent-a-buddy by dancing your ass off right this second. Go on, we’re watching! 〰️ Have you fallen prey to subliminal messaging? Think you’re thinking things that you wouldn’t normally think. Report to the nearest objectivity office to ensure that you are the sole thinker of your thoughts. 〰️ We all know that in today's political climate, being woke all the time is a must! No one wants to have their purity questioned, and to be honest, staying at the forefront of every new spiritual and cultural development gets tiring. Do you want to give your third eye a rest without sacrificing your Enlightened™ look? Now you can with our SuperSleepy 3rd eye sleeping mask™! Heavily recommended by SuperScientists™ at SuperTruth™ labs! 〰️ These days it's so hard to find the truth, and quite frankly it's too boring to do it yourself. Fact checking? Who needs it? That's why we’ve developed Concentrated SuperTruth. Simply bring your can opener and find out life’s hidden secrets! Can you guess what's inside? We can’t!

Hey you. Yes, I’m talking to you. No, not that guy, YOU. The one with the nose. 〰️ Have you ever wanted to *knock knock knock* on the glass of reality to check whether you might BE the show instead of the one watching the show? 〰️ I’ve found that life, these days, feels like a TV show. Every year is a new season. Every season brings a unique form of misery and the writers get more creative and more brutal with every episode. 〰️ Doesn’t it just leave you wondering? What’s next? What truly defines you? Or me? Or us? What isn’t fake news? What is the truth? Well, behold the SuperTruth™. This place is kinda like an unbirthday party for everyone—especially you—where nothing makes sense and reality is slightly askew. 〰️ The only truth is the subjectivity of art, the depth of music, and the inherent silliness of life. 〰️ Trust nothing. Feel everything. Stomp like your life depends on it. 〰️ Don’t worry, you are not in the simulation. Yet. 〰️ Ever wondered if trees can smell? Sure they don’t have noses but they do breathe so maybe you don’t need a nose to smell after all. The only reason I ask is because that tree over there definitely looks like it smelt what you dealt. 〰️ If you are here and reading this, please know that this is not a coincidence. 〰️ Do you have good handwriting? Discuss. 〰️ Pssst human, question for you. What is that transparent liquid all of you are obsessed with and drinking all the time? What does it taste like? Uhh can I have some? 〰️ Reminder: You can’t make someone love you. 〰️ Is anyone else surprised ‘Karen’ isn’t a more popular porn category? Like, there’s so much potential. I could see a whole category called ‘bangable Karens’. I won’t get mad if you make money off this idea. Go. Be rich. 〰️ If something AMAZING happened to you RIGHT THIS SECOND, who is the first person you’d wanna tell? The person you thought of seems really cool. 〰️ Did you leave the stove on when you left the house? Ha ha. Don’t worry you probably didn’t. I’m just fucking with you. 〰️ But did you? 〰️ Don’t worry, there’s nothing strange going on behind you. You aren’t missing anything. Don’t turn around. 〰️ You’re gonna make some memories this weekend that you may never forget. Maybe you’ve made them already. Maybe they’re about to happen as soon as you walk away from this stage. Something exciting is waiting for you. I’m sure of it. 〰️ Turn to the closest person on your right and introduce yourself. Do it now!!! Give them a hug, go on. Don’t be shy. But ask them nicely first. 〰️ Someone out there is thinking of you at this very second. It’s me. 〰️ Give someone around you a genuine compliment. 〰️ Is it just me or does anyone else also like to make spall smelling mistakes in their sentences? 〰️ I’m not your friend, buddy. I’m not your buddy, bro. I’m not your bro, dude. I’m not your dude, guy. I’m not your guy, man. I’m not your man…jk I’ll be your man. 〰️ Pro Tip: Dance like nobody’s watching. But watch like everybody’s dancing. Let your eyes have some fun. 〰️ Someone here today is probably having the best day of their lives. It could be you. 〰️ Hey, if no one’s already mentioned, you look really cute! 〰️ This is your reminder to hydrate. 〰️ Hey if they made a movie about Fractalfest, who do you think they’d cast to play you? 〰️ I’m so happy you’re here. Are you happy you’re here? 〰️ Are you healed or are you just trying not to think about it? 〰️ Okay, everyone who is reading this, take a deep breath in…………… Hold………… And now breathe out…………………… Take another deep breath in……………… Hold…………………… and now breathe out……………… NOW DANCE! 〰️ What’s your favourite body part? Tell the person to your right. 〰️ Fractilians with party tricks, we demand to see one, right now! 〰️ PSA: Try DMT. 〰️ Intend your goddamn puns. 〰️ Hello? Can you hear me? This is your captain speaking, we are experiencing some turbulence on the dance floor. The shimmy signs have been turned on. Please commence rustling your jimmies at ungodly speeds. 〰️ I'm really feeling this music. I wish I could dance but the only move I know is the wave ~~~~~~o.o~~~~~~ 〰️ What's your favourite seasoning? Discuss. 〰️ Before the end of the day, introduce yourself to one new person. Can’t be anyone you already met ok? I’ll be watching. >_> 〰️ Are you thinking what I’m thinking? 〰️ Stop reading this, we paid good money for these artists - pay attention to them! 〰️ Ok fine, you can read this. I’m flattered. 〰️ All you need to do is vibe.